"The Gift of Desperation "
It has been just over six months since my trip to Rythmia and I wanted to make sure that the changes that happened within me during my stay there are the same today as they were then before writing an account of my stay. I had been to Rythmia previously, but had returned to my old ways shortly after returning. About me - I was a generally happy-go-lucky person who had a difficult childhood (there was alcoholism in the family). I had no real aspirations, except in playing sports, at which I excelled. I saw school as a waste of time, mainly due to the fact that I could not fully understand certain subjects, whilst others easily grasped the concepts. I scrapped into college, mainly due to my sporting achievements and not my academic prowess and bowed out after not attending more than a handful of classes. This led to a number of low paid jobs and whilst I knew I had the intelligence to do better, I didn't know how. It seemed that others had a map to succeed in life and I wasn't there when they were given out. The reason why I went to Rythmia was because my drinking was out of control. My girlfriend had found a docuentary "The Reality of Truth" and this was to start her obsession with the place. I on the other hand was happy to go, but did not have an urge as such. I was interested in Ayauasca, having previously taken psychedelics, however I had tried most things to curb my drinking whilst not really wanting to stop altogether. A brief synopsis of the first trip - It was great. I really enjoyed the ceremonies, however missed out on the other classes, as they were superfluous in my eyes. I did find hope that there was another way, however found it hard to let go and felt self conscious during certain workshops that I attended. Our travel arrangements were tight, so it was 23hrs travel there, stay the week and then 20+ hours return. In retrospect it was head spinning. I returned home and within a month was back to my old ways - drinking for days and then off it for a month/6 weeks at most. I couldn't understand it. I kept in touch with those at Rythmia, however it was mostly when I was wasted. I most likely became an annoyance to them because I knew that the experience should have changed me, but couldn't figure out why. That was in 2018. Over the subsequent years, my drinking became even more opportunistic - I was living alone now, so any chance I had, I was on it. I had 'progressed' to second bottle drinking - bourbon being my choice. I was given a final warning at work and my family life was in bits - my eldest kid tolerated me, but that was about it. I felt that this was just the way things were meant to be - that I was that hopeless case that AA talks about. One thing that I had maintained was my contact with Dr Jeff. I don't think it is allowed now, but Jeff had been there for me during the year after returning and had invited me back out for free. Then lockdown came... I finally went back out in January '23 with a different mindset. I knew that Rythmia could help me if I just surrendered to the process. I had managed to stay of booze for a month prior and knew that this was the last roll of the dice. If this didn't help me, then I was truly f@cked. This time I listened intently, I went to every class - I went to yoga classes taken by the lovely Victor, one of life's most beautiful souls. The difference this time was the gift of desperation. My body had long stopped being able to shake off the effects of another binge and I felt that I'd be another statistic in the near future. During one ceremony, I saw the total futility of the way I was living. It was shown to me with love, but boy, was it drummed into me! I felt 'part of' at Rythmia. I connected with such lovely people who also had harrowing back stories, but we were all there to heal and gain knowledge. I left Rythmia, knowing that I would never have to lift a drink again. My life since then? Night & Day. My family and those closest to me instantly saw the change in me and whilst I am sure it has taken some time to regain their trust fully after my prior record, I know that my actions now are replacing the old memories. To Jeff, Gerry, the shamans and all the support staff at Rythmia, I owe you my new found life. Without your love, help and guidance I would still be lost or worse. You are my brothers & sisters and I love you all very much xx To my girlfriend who introduced me to this, you are a life saver. You know xx To anyone reading this that feels that there is no way out of their current predicament - there sincerely is, but you have to surrender yourself to the process. You have to want to want to get better. I wish you all the best on your journey. Light & Love brothers & sisters xx
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